


Holmes & Irene

by insanenoodlyguy



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Genre: F/M, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Ridiculous Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-08 12:03:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/442998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insanenoodlyguy/pseuds/insanenoodlyguy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a reporduction of quick fics originaly made entirely in response to "Sherlock is/isn't asexual/straight/gay" secrets from Fandom!Secrets.<br/>Naturally, I tried to respond with my own interpretation as tastefully as the matter required. Some of the context of each individual chapter may have been lost without the secret that each responded to, but I think the work stands on it's own. Now I do other Sherlock secrets as well.Ongoing whenever I'm inspired to write a new chapter.<br/>This is horrible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holmes and Irene: So goddamn hetero

Once upon a time Sherlock and Irene were in the same room.

"I want your dong Holmie." Said Irene

"Gonna tap dat ass" said Sherlock.

They fucked so goddamn hard. It was amazing.

Fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't clicked the close box yet... later chapters are longer. Not necessarily better, but longer.


	2. SHERLOCK AND IRENE: CHAPTER 2

"Oh Holmie," said Irene, "That barely described sex last time was the shit!"

"I'm glad you liked it." Said Holmes, who was dressed in nothing but his love for Britain and his hat. "We aren't done yet."

"Aww yeahhhh." Said Irene.

Suddenly, the door was kicked in. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS." It was naked Watson!

"Watson!" They both jumped. 

"HOW DARE YOU HOMLES" screamed Watson, who was naked, pissed, and had a HUGE rageboner. "You know I wanted a piece of that!"

"Of Holmes?" Said a horrified Irene. Oh no. Could she compete with that mountain of man meat?

"NO, WOMAN, OF YOU!" Screamed Watson. Irene became religious on the spot, there was a god and he clearly loved her. "HOLMES SAID WE COULD SHARE IN A COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL THREESOME."

"YES." Screamed Holmes, getting excited. "I AM A HETEROSEXUAL. BUT IRENE'S ASS WAS SO FINE AND I GOT STARTED EARLY. BROS?" He held up a fist.

Watson bumped that shit. "BROS"

"SHUT UP AND RAVISH ME ALREADY" Screamed Irene.

And they did. They had her in every way two heterosexual men can have a woman at the same time. It was wonderful. 

THE END.


	3. HOLMES AND IRENE CHAPTER 3: CAPSLOCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I took the series in a bold new direction. AN AWESOME DIRECTION MOTHERFUCKERS

"ARGH HOLMES! I HAVE NOT HAD THE HOT DICKINGS IN NEIGH ONTO 3 MINUTES NOW!" SCREAMED IRENE, NAKED. 

"WOMAN I GAVE YOU THE HOT DICKINGS NOT 2 MINUTES AGO, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MATH?" SCREAMED HOLMES, RIPPING HIS CLOTHES OFF BECAUSE WHEN YOUR THIS HETEROSEXUAL, YOU WILL FUCK A WOMAN WHO CAN'T MATH. 

"YOU FUCKED ME SO GODDAMN HARD I WENT BACK IN TIME." COMPLAINED IRENE. "DO IT AGAIN." 

"WOO WOO HERE COMES THE MEAT TRAIN" SAID HOLMES, AND THERE IT WAS, THE DICK BULLET, ON THE WAY TO VAGINA STATION AHEAD OF SCHEDULE AND MAKING REPEAT TRIPS. UNGHHHH. 

WATSON WAS GETTING A LITTLE ANNOYED. "HOLY SHIT GUYS YOU ARE FUCKING ON A GODDAMN CORPSE." HE COMPLAINED. "WE ARE OUTSIDE, IN PUBLIC, AND YOU ARE FORNICATING ON A DEAD BODY. YOU FREAKS." HE SHOOK HIS HEAD. "WHY WOULD ANYBODY THINK I WANT ANY PART OF THIS. WHY DO I TALK TO YOU?"

HOLMES SHRUGGED DESPITE HIS HOT CORPSE LOVING "I DUNNO. I AM OBVIOUSLY NOT A HOMOSEXUAL." AND HE KEPT THRUSTING INTO THAT SWEET, SWEET POON.

IRENE PIPED IN "CLEARLY I TOO AM THE HETEROSEXUAL" AND SHE SMEARED CORPSE BLOOD ON HERSELF.

"BOTH OF YOU ARE INSANE IS WHAT YOU YOU ARE!" NOTED WATSON. AND HE SET THEM ON FIRE. THEY KEPT FUCKING AS THEY BURNED.

WATSON FOUND SOME GIRL IN THE CROWD, AND FUCKED HER JUST TO BE SURE. HE DID IT IN A HOTEL HOWEVER, AWAY FROM PRYING EYES LIKE A NORMAL CHAP. THEN HE WAS ARRESTED FOR MURDER.

HOMLES AND IRENE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD THE NEXT DAY BECAUSE THEIR HORNY WAS IMMORTAL. THEY FUCKED IN THE MORGUE!

THE END!


	4. HOLMES AND IRENE, CHAPTER 4: ELEMENTARY MY DEAR FLOPPY DONKEY DICK

"HOLMES, ARE YOU A HETEROSEXUAL?" ASKED IRENE.

"WHAT IN THE FUCK WOMAN HOW COULD YOU THINK I AM ANYTHING BUT THE HETEROSEXUAL KING OF HETEROSEXUALITY?" SAID AN ANGRY HOLMES, VEINS THROBBING IN EVERY AVAILABLE LIMB

"I AM NAKED AND LAID OUT ON THIS TABLE AND YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ME!" SAID IRENE, ANNOYED "WHY IN THE HELL IS YOUR BIG FLOPPY DONKEY DICK NOT IN MY SNATCH BOX OF HETEROSEXUALITY?"

"ELEMENTARY MY DEAR, BECAUSE IT'S IN YOUR MOUTH RIGHT NOW!" REPLIED HOLMES."

"MMBHHMMBHGGGHARBL" NOTED IRENE. IT WAS BIGGER THEN HER MOUTH BUT HER SHEER HETEROSEXUALITY MADE IT FIT IRREGARDLESS. IT WAS GOOD HOLMES DIDN'T HEAR THAT NON WORD BEING USED, IT WAS DANGEROUS TO GO GRAMMAR NAZI WHEN THE COCK WAS ALREADY THIS BIG AND A HATEFUCK WAS LIKE A MINIMUM FIVE PERCENT GIRTH GAIN ON BIG FLOPPY DONKEY DICKS. 

THE DOOR WAS KICKED DOWN. IT WAS MORIARTY! "WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU ASSHOLES BEEN" HE SCREAMED

"NAGHABMMMMMM" SAID IRENE.

HOLMES LOOKED AT THIS SAD MAN WHO DIDN'T CLEARLY DEFINE HIS SEXUALITY FOR ALL TO SEE "KINDA FUCKING OBVIOUS ISN'T IT?"

"JESUS CHRIST." HE SHOOK HIS HEAD. "RIGHT THEN. NO GAMES. NO PLOTS. GUN TO THE FUCKING HEAD. ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR HER, LETS GET GOIN." HE HAD A GUN! OH SHIT!

MORIARITY POINTED THE GUN. "I'M GOING TO LIE AND SAY I CAUGHT YOU UNARMED WITH YOUR METAPHORICAL PANTS DOWN AND NOT THIS!" 

HOLMES SMILED. "UNARMED?" HE PULLED THE BIG FLOPPY DONKEY DICK ATTACHED TO HIM SINCE HE WAS 3 OUT OF IRENE AND POINTED IT STRAIGHT AT MORIARITY. BECAUSE HE WAS SO GODDAMN FUCKING HETEROSEXUAL, HE THOUGHT OF WOMEN. THE STREAM OF GRADE A MAN GOO THAT EJACULATED FORTH LIKE ONE OF WATSONS LOUD INDIGNITIES WAS AN ONSLAUGHT MORIARITY WAS NOT PREPARED FOR. ONLY IRENE'S SQUACK POT COULD HANDLE A LOAD LIKE THIS. MORIARITY'S BRAIN MEATS WERE A PITIFUL SUBSTITUTE THE DETECTIVES BABY GRAVY PULVERIZED. 

IRENE TRIED TO CHEER BUT MOSTLY COUGHED. BUT HOLMES WAS TROUBLED!

"FUCK!" HE SCREAMED "I JUST LET THE DOGS OUT ON A DUDE'S HEAD!"

IRENE HELD UP HER HANDS "HOLMIE! IT WAS FOR KILLING! THAT'S JUST HARDCORE!"

HOLMES WAS INCONSOLABLE "IT WAS NOT HETEROSEXUAL! I NEED TO COMPENSATE!"

"HOOPER! HUDSON! GET IN HERE FOR FUCKING!" HE SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.

HIS HETEROSEX WAS STILL INTACT. BITCHES WERE ALL UP IN THAT GRILL IN 10 SECONDS. 

"WOMEN! IGNORE THE DEAD DUDE! I'M FUCKING ALL OF YOU FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS! LINE IT UP!" 

"WAIT WHY IN THE HELL DOES THE DEAD GUY GOT BABY BATTER ALL OVER HIM?" SAID MRS. HUDSON CAUSE SHE HAS TO CLEAN THAT SHIT. 

"ARGGGGH" SCREAMED HOLMES.

"OH FUCK NOW YOU DID IT" SAID IRENE.

IT WAS THE RAGEBONER AND IT WAS 10% LARGER EASY. MRS. HUDSON DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO BE SORRY BECAUSE IT WAS ALREADY INSIDE HER. 

"OH FUCK YEAH I REGRET NOTHING" SAID MRS. HUDSON, WHO WAS ALSO HETEROSEXUAL. 

HOLMES LIED. HE FUCKED THEM ALL FOR THE NEXT 13 HOURS. 

THE END


	5. HOLMES AND ADLER CHAPTER 5: FIND THE HIGGS BOSOM.

“MY FRIEND IS DEADDDDDD” WATSON CRIED LIKE A LITTLE PUSSY. WHEN HE FINDS OUT HIS FRIEND IS ALIVE HE’S GONNA FEEL LIKE THE SAD BAG OF BABY TEARS HE IS. BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT. HOLMES DIDN’T TELL HIM. HOLMES DIDN’T TELL HIM BECAUSE THERE WAS FUCKING TO BE DONE, AND IF NOBODY WAS GIVING HIM SHIT ABOUT SOLVING MYSTERIES HE COULD GET MORE FUCKING IN. THAT WAS THE PATH OF THE TRUE HETEROSEXUAL.

SADLY, HOLMES WAS NOT FUCKING RIGHT NOW. HE WAS ARGUING.   
"GODDAMN IRENE, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BITCHES CAN'T MATH, YOU ESPECIALLY!." HOLMES SAID IT BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE.

"WELL HOLMIE," SAID IRENE "I CAN MEASURE THE SIZE AND IMPACT OF DICKS, AND THERE ARE NO DICKS IN ME RIGHT NOW. SO I CAN'T MATH BUT YOU ARE THE STUPID” AND THAT WAS ALSO PRETTY TRUE, HOW GODDAMN THE STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE NOT TO BE TAPPING THE ASS WHEN IT’S UP IN THE CRIB, FUCK’S SAKE. GIRL CAN’T MATH BUT SHE CAN LOGIC AND PHYSICS PRTTY WELL. 

“SHIT MY BONER IS WEAKSTICK.” MOANED HOLMES, CAUSE THAT PHYSICS LOGIC JUST FUCKED HIS SHIT. 

“HOT DAMN, I ACTUALLY WON AN ARGUMENT!” IRENE WAS QUITE HAPPY. SHE SHOVED HIS HEAD ALL THE WAY UP HER SQUAK, WHICH WAS NOW SO FRICTION FREE IT COULD BE USED AS A HADRON COLLIDER. HOLMES GOT TO LICKING BECAUSE AGAIN, HETEROSEXUAL. THEN SHE USED IT AS A HARD ON COLLIDER. HOLMES PULLED OUT TO SPRAY HIS NADPOLES ALL OVER HER CHEST.

“WHY WERE WE FIGHTING AGAIN?” SAID IRENE.

“WE WERE GONNA SPLIT THE PIZZA IN HALF AND YOU ATE 5 OF THE 8 SLICES AND SAID IT WAS FAIR.” 

IRENE SHRUGGED. “I STEAL SECRETS, I STEAL PIZZA. DEAL WITH IT.”

THE RAGEBONER RETURNED. HOLMES SPENT THAT NIGHT STEALING HALF HER CLIENTS BY TURNING THEM HETEROSEXUAL. COUNTERPOINT MOTHERFUCKERS!

FIN


	6. HOLMES AND... WATSON?!?! Chapter 6: teh GAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can consider this chapter an AU. Holmes is to Hetero for anything to change him.
> 
> Sure, we've all been here, you smoke some crack laced with god knows what, and your best friend's ass, once only an oject of base humor and pranks, is suddenly some CHOICE PLUSH RUMP.
> 
> *cough* But not Holmes, nope. So yeah, AU.

"I AM THE HOMOSEX TODAY WATSON" HOLMES NOTED.

"WHAT? NO!" SCREAMED WATSON "YOU ARE THE HETERO. YOU BANG ALL THE BITCHES, ESPECIALLY IRENE, WHO YOU FUCKED HETERO!" WATSON EJACULATED (NOT THAT WAY)

"NORMALLY THIS IS TRUE. BUT I SMOKED ALL KINDSA SHIT AN HOUR AGO, AND IT KILLED MY SEX DRIVE! SO NOW I AM THE HOMOSEX. GET READY FOR THE HOMO SEX!"

“HOW IN THE FUCK DOES NO SEX DRIVE MAKE YOU THE HOMOSEX" EJACULATED WATSON (STILL NOT THAT WAY)

“BECAUES I AM SO MUCH MAN MY PENIS IS STILL HARD. HARD PENIS DEMANDS THE SEX. AND SINCE I NO LONGER WANT THE LADY SEX, THERE IS ONLY ONE ALTERNATIVE.” HOLMES ANGRILY BATTED ASIDE FURNATURE WITH HIS TURGID ROD

"ASEXUALAITY?" ASKED WATSON

“STOP BEING RETARDED WATSON” HOLMES SMACKED HIM WITH HIS SWOLLEM MEMBER SO HARD WATSON’S PANTS FELL OFF "SHERLOCK FUCKING HOLMES WILL NEVER BE THE ASEX." 

"GODDAMN IT HOLMES I AM HETERO AS WELL."

"NOT RIGHT NOW YOU'RE NOT" AND HOLMES PUT THE ROUND PEG IN THE BROWN HOLE.

"GODDAMN IT I SHOULD BE ANGRIER AT YOU RIGHT NOW" WATSON EJACULATED (THAT WAY)

"HNNNNGGGGGGGGG" NOTED HOLMES AS HE PUSHED WATSONS HEAD THROUGH THE DAMN WALL.

"I SHIP THIS. I SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF THISSSS" IRENE (WHO WAS WATCHING AND ALSO SMOKING THE SAME LACED CRACK HOLMES HAD) EJACULATED.

IT WAS REALLY GAY, EVEN WITH A GIRL WATCHING AND SCHLICKING

DAS ENDE


	7. HOLMES AND IRENE TEH FANFICTION: A TRIBUTE TO INSANENOODLE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fanfic!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just what it says! A fanfic written in response to chapter 6. This was written by Chardmonster who was anon at the time, and I was given permission to post it, as they weren't on AO3 then. My only involvement was being the inspiration for this one.

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO AWKWARDLY FONDLE EACH OTHER AND PLAY RISK," begged Irene one Friday night on Baker's Street. "I FEEL WE COULD IMPROVE OUR PHYSICAL INTIMACY THAT WAY."  
"I'M MOSTLY BORED WITH THIS IDEA BUT I AM TEH DEMIROMANTIC AND YOU HAVE BEEN HERE A COUPLE HOURS" replied Homes, removing his pants  
Irene lay down on the carpet and spread her legs wide, lifting her skirt slightly and positioning her cannon piece over eastern Europe. "I AM GOING TO TAKE THE BALKANS," she said. "IF YOU ARE OKAY WITH THAT."  
"WHY ARE YOU ASKING IF THAT IS OKAY?" grunted Holmes as he methodically shoved his penis into Irene's vagina.  
"BECAUSE," replied Irene, "I AM RESPECTFUL OF CONSENT ISSUES."  
"THAT IS VERY KIND OF YOU AND I FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE NOW," said Holmes as he began to thrust, aiming for a roughly fifty-fifty arm/knee weight distribution ratio.  
"POMF," said Irene.  
"WHAT?" asked Holmes.  
"THAT IS WHAT THEY SAY WHEN YOU GET FUCKED, AT LEAST IN JAPAN," said Irene.  
"NO. THAT IS LIMITED TO A FAIRLY RECENT ME ME. ANYWAY I THINK YOU MEAN UNF. THAT ISN'T PARTICULARLY JAPANESE, THOUGH. PLEASE PLACE MY CANNON ON EGYPT."  
"FINE, I WILL TRY AGAIN, AND SURE," said Irene, whose unnoccupied hands were better able to manipulate the pieces. "UGUU. ONAY-SAN, IT HURTS."  
"THAT DISTRURBS ME BUT I RESPECT YOUR DESIRES AND CHECK MY PRIVILEGE" replied Holmes. "THOUGH YOU REALLY SHOULD BE MORE MINDFUL OF ISSUES OF CULTURAL APPROPRIA--"  
"I THINK I AM ORGASMING," shouted Irene. "YES. YES. YES... I JUST DID." She smiled happily. "SHERLOCK YOU HAD BEST HURRY. I WILL LOSE MOISTURE QUICKLY."  
"IT IS OKAY. I AM NOT ENJOYING THIS PHYSICALLY BUT I DO FEEL A SENSE OF PHYSICAL INTIMACY" said Holmes.  
'I'M SATISFIED WITH THAT," said Irene. "AND I AM GOING TO PUT THIS PIECE ON AUSTRALIA. ARE YOU SURE WE SHOULDN'T USE DICE, THOUGH?"  
"I FUCKING TOLD YOU, WOMAN," said Holmes. "DICE IS ABLEST. YOU'RE JUST LIKE WATSON. TRAPPED IN A NORMATIVE PRISON OF YOUR OWN DESIGN."  
Irene blamed society.


	8. HOLMES AND IRENE CHAPTER 7: OLD SCHOOL BITCHES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one takes us back to the original story. Did you know BBC Sherlock takes place in the same universe? Nobody sees the similarities because after their deaths the shame of their existence was so great to England that all records of the men and all of Watsons writings were burned. Except this one!

IT IS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO SELECT THE SEXUAL EXPLOITS OF MY FRIEND WHICH ARE THE MOST INTERESTING. HE TENDS TO FIND THE AIRING OF HIS PROVERBIAL LAUNDRY RATHER DISTASTEFUL WHEN FULLY OF HIS WITS, BUT I FIND WHEN HE HAS SOME OF HIS NOSE CANDY HE IS MOST HELPFUL WITH SUGGESTIONS. IT WAS DURING ONE SUCH ADVENTURE (AND INDEED, MANY OF OUR ADVENTURES TOOK PLACE IN THE STUDY WITH A BOWL FULL OF MAGIC, A BELLY FULL OF ALCOHOL, BALLS FULL OF LUST, FISTS FULL OF CURRENCY, ELBOWS FULL OF HATE AND BOOTS STAINED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE MAID WE THOUGHT WAS A DEMON AT THE TIME) HE RECOMMENDED I REMIND EVERYBODY THAT HIS ONE GREAT CASE AGAINST ONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX DID INDEED HAVE A HAPPY CONCLUSION.

"ADLER" SCREAMED HOLMES AS HE KICKED DOWN THE DOOR. I FOLLOWED HIM, BEING THE WRITER OF THIS AND MOST ALL OF HIS CHONICILES AND THUS PARTY TO THE WHOLE AFFIAR. "FOUND YOU OLD GIRL!"

"MY GOODNESS" SCREAMED ADLER "DIDN'T I ESCAPE FROM YOU SOME TIME AGO NEVER TO REAPPEAR EXCEPT IN YOUR MEMORIES?" OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS NOT THE CASE AS THE PRESENT SCENE WAS MAKING REDAILY APPARENT

"FUCK THAT SHIT BITCH. I'M HERE TO FUCK!" SCREAMED HOLMES. HIS TURGID MEMBER GAVE SILENT, THROBBING TESTIMONY TO THIS TRUTH.

"HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN FIND ME" ADLER WAS ALREADY NAKED AND LYING BACK AND THINKING OF ENGLAND WHICH WAS THE GENERAL RESULT I'VE NOTICED OF WOMEN BEHOLDING THE COCAINE FUELED FUCK-PISTON MY FRIEND CALLED A PHALLUS, BUT SHE WAS STILL CURIOUS, BEING THE SILLY SORT OF FEMALE THAT TRIES TO THINK. I MEET TOO MANY LIKE THIS SINCE HOLMES, AND THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN MARRIED TEN GODDAMN TIMES AND HAD TO MOVE CONTINENTS TWICE.

"ELEMENTARY. I HAVE HAD MY WAY WITH EVERY WHORE IN LONDON MULTIPLE TIMES UNTIL I HAD THEIR SCENTS. IT IS THE 19TH CENTURY, ALL WOMEN ARE MARRIED AND THUS SERVING MEN OR ARE WHORES AND THUS SERVING MEN BUT ALSO SMELLY AS OCCASIONALLY THEY MUST BE RAVAGED BY THE WELSH SO THAT THEY MAY EAT. THE LACK OF TAFFY SCENT UPON YOUR QUIM WAS A DEAD GIVEAWAY" IT WAS GOOD TO KNOW EVEN THOUGH HE COULDN'T DO ASTRONOMY FOR SHIT MY FRIEND HAD IS THE PROPER VIEWPOINT OF OUR TIME FOR THE SEXES AND WAS ADMIRABLY RACIST ENOUGH TO KNOW THE HORRIBLE SCENT OF THE WELSH.

"WHAT ABOUT THE BOYS?" SHE ASKED. I WINCED IN SYMPATHY REMEMBERING SOME THINGS I'D RATHER NOT. THANK GOD FOR GOOD SAFE DRUGS LIKE HEROIN.

"DAMNNATION WOMAN THAT WAS ONLY FOR COMPLETIONS SAKE. I AM SO INCREDABLY HETEROSEXUAL!" I CAN PERSONALLY ATTEST THAT HOLMES AVAILED HIMSELF UPON NO LESS THEN THREE RANDOM WOMEN ON THE WALK TO ADLERS HIDEAWAY.

"I BELIEVE YOU ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR PENIS" AND INDEED, SHE WAS TAKING ACCOUNT OF HIS PENIS RATHER WELL.

"HERE I THOUGHT YOU MAY HAVE BEEN ASEXUAL" NOTED LESTRADE WHO HAD BEEN TRYING TO GET HOLMES TO SOLVE A GODDAMN CASE BUT HAD INSTEAD BEEN TOLD HE COULD "WATCH A PROPER COCKSMAN IN ACTION" AND WASN'T GOING TO MISS THAT SHIT.

EVERYTHING FROZE "THE FUCK YOU SAY WANKER?" I EJACULATED. "DASH IT MAN, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!" MY POWERFUL EJACULATION PROPELLED THE INSPECTOR OUT THE WINDOW.

LYING ON THE GROUND AND BLEEDING IN THE OPEN, FILTHY IRISH URCHINS IN THE NEARBY ALLEYWAYS QUICKLY TOOK THE SCENT AND SET UPON THE WOUNDED MAN, BUGGERING HIM TO DEATH AS IS THEIR FILTHY BUGGER WAY. HE KILLED THREE BEFORE SUCCUMBING TO THE BUGGERY, PROVING HIMSELF A PROPER CHAP IN THE END DESPITE THE END BEING HOW HE BUGGERED OFF THIS COIL.

(SUDDENLY, A LONG UNRELATED TILL THE VERY END STORY ABOUT SOME GUY HAVING SEX WITH MORMONS TAKES UP ENOUGH SPACE TO FILL IT'S OWN BOOK. IT FINALLY TURNS OUT ONE OF THE GIRLS WAS ON HOLMES DICK EARLIER, LUCKY BINT.)

"GODDAMN IT MAN YOU ARE GOING TO GET ME PREGNANT WITH ALL THIS SEX" IRENE REMINDED US THAT THE MAIN STORY WAS STILL HAPPENING SO WE RETURN TO MY FIRST PERSON NARRATION HERE. AND INDEED, HE DID GET HER PREGNANT. SO PREGNANT AND HETEROSEXUAL THAT GENERATIONS LATER, THIER DESCENDENTS WERE STILL HETEROSEXUAL, EVEN THOUGH THAT GENERATIONS IRENE WAS ALSO A LESBIAN PROSTITUTE. MY DESCENDENT WAS ALSO THERE AND VERY HETEROSEXUAL.

I'VE GOT SOME GOOD ABSINTHE ON HAND AND I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN GET THIS SORRY BASTARD TO LET ME PUT TO PRINT WHY WE CAN NEVER SHOW OUR FACES IN THE ORIENT FOR THE REST OF OUR NATURAL LIVES. UNTIL NEXT TIME.


	9. IRENE AND SHERLOCK CHAPTER 8: A BIT OF THE OLD ULTRAVIOLENCE

"I'M SORRY MR HOLMES I'M SORRY" CRIED SALLY. IRENE HELD HER DOWN AS SHERLOCK BEAT HER ABOUT THE FACE WITH HIS PENIS. SHE HELD OUT HER TONGUE TO TRY TO GET LICKS IN ON THE THING, SINCE SHE WAS SO HETEROSEXUAL SHE HAD TO TUNE HER TASTESBUDS INTO THE "ALL SHERCOCK, ALL THE TIME" CHANNEL.

"IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT NOW BITCH" SCREAMED IRENE BETWEEN LICKS

"GODDAMN RIGHT!" SCREAMED HOLMES. "THE RAGEBONER CAN ONLY BE SATISFIED BY THE BLOOD OF THE UNFAITHFUL."

"NO NO NO" SCREAMED SALLY AS HER TEETH WERE PLACED ON THE CURB.

"SHE WANTS TO TASTE IT!" SCREAMED IRENE. "SHE WANTS TO TASTE THE FUCKING CURB."

SHERLOCK SWUNG HIS HUGE HORNY BALLS DOWN AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK FOR POOR FOOLISH SALLY. SHERLOCK WIPED THE BLOOD FROM HIS BALLS ON HER UNIVERSE. "I PUT UP WITH THE BITCH CALLING ME A FREAK, BUT WHEN SHE SAYS I'M ASEXUAL..."

IRENE QUICKLY SHOVED THE BONER UP HER ASS BEFORE IT WAS TOO BIG TO FIT. "NOW NOW HOLMIE, DON'T GET ALL WORKED UP AGAIN. SHE'S DEAD AND YOU ARE FUCKING RIGHT NOW."

"GODDAMN RIGHT I AM. ASEXUAL MY ASS! NO! ASEXUAL YOUR ASS!" AND HE TOOK HER RIGHT THERE, BOUNCING OFF SERGEANT DONOVAN AND CAUSING RIPPLES IN THE EVER INCREASING POOL OF BLOOD BY HER UNMOVING HEAD. IRENE CAME SO HARD FROM THIS THE THAMES FLOODED.

SFARSIT!


	10. ADLER AND HOLMES CHAPTER 10: GAY/BI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOVECRAFT

"IT'S TOO GAY IN HERE LATELY" SHOUTED HOLMES FROM INSIDE A PULSATING MASS OF UNDULATING FEMALE FUCKPATENERS. LIKE HOLY SHIT, AN ELDER GOD BROKE THROUGH THE BORDERS THAT SEPARATE THIS WORLD FROM HIS AND HE MADE HIMSELF A BODY OF POON. THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT RIGHT HERE. TO LOOK IS TO GO MAD IN THE ABYSS. AND THE ABYSS IS GAPING VAGINAS.

"THE FUCK YOU ON ABOUT HOLMES?" SAID WATSON, WHO HAD GAZED SO LONG THE ABYSS HAD STARTED BACK AND NOW HE WAS FUCKING THE ABYSS FROM THE TOP.

"ELE-FUCKING-MENTARY SHITSTICK. I'M SAYING IT'S GOTTEN GAY WATSON. OR MAYBE BI. GAY/BI. DOESN'T MATTER. WE NEED TO BE HETERO IN HERE. CAN'T RUIN SOMETHING GOOD."

"HOLMES, IT'S YOU, ME, AND LOTS OF WHORES WE PAID WITH SMACK AND SMACKS TO THE FACE. HOW IS THIS GAY?"

"I CAN FEEL IT MAN."

"I CAN FEEL A BITCH LICKING MY NADS WHILE I FUCK A HOLE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HOLE IT IS. I DON'T CARE. WAIT, OH FUCK FUCK FUCK. IS THAT YOUR HOLE?"

"NO!"

"ARE BALLS TOUCHING?"

"THE BALLS ARE INERT."

"THEN WERE ARE FUCKING PLATNIUM BRO. AND ALSO HOTHULU HERE."

"SOMETHING STILL FEELS WRONG!" HOLMES HEAD MANAGE TO FREE ITSELF FROM THE FLESH-THAT-OOZES.

"WATSON... BE HONEST. ARE YOU A GAYBI?"

WATSON DID THE MOST HETEROSEXUAL THING POSSIBLE. HE PUNCHED HOLMES RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN FACE.

"GOOD MAN. BUT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A GAYBI AT SOME OTHER TIME?"

WATSON MANAGED TO SPIN AROUND SO HE COULD PUT THE BOOTS TO HOLMES HETERO STYLE BUT NOT PULL OUT OF THE SQAMOUS QUIM.

"OW YOU FUCKER, OKAY OKAY!" HOLMES WOULD NORMALLY BE HEADBUTTING HIS FRIEND AS ONLY AN INEBRIATED ENGLISHMAN CAN DO TO HIS FELLOW MAN, BUT HE WAS ENSNARED IN NOISOME ICHOR THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE MADE PRIMARILY OF HIS OWN MAN DRIPPINGS.

"BUT IF IT'S NOT YOU, AND IT'S SURE AS HELL NOT ME... WHERE IS ALL THE GAY COMING FROM?"

"I MIGHT SHIP IT." SAID ONE OF THE WHORES WHO MADE UP THE UNENDING LUST BEAST. ONLY IT CAME OUT MORE LIKE "MABARDBH F'TOSH. IA! IA!"

HOLMES QUICKLY WRIGGLED HIMSELF OUT OF THE ELDTRICH WHORE-ER. LOVECRAFTIAN ORGIES WERE ONE THING... BUT FANGIRLS?

"BURN YOU THINK THAT SHOULD NOT BE. BACK TO THE REALM THAT SPAWNED YOU!' WATSON SCREAMED, THANKFUL THEIR DECADENT LIFESTYLE ALLOWED FOR EASILY MADE MOLOTOV COCKTAILS, WHICH HE THREW AT THE MONSTROSITY BEFORE HIM.

THE CREATURE WRITHED AND REALITY TORE. IT SMASHED THE WALL IN IT'S THROES OF PAIN AND LEPT INTO THE NIGHT SKY.

"WASN'T YOUR WIFE IN THERE SOMEWHERE?" ASKED A NAKED HOLMES, PRODDING A SMALL TONGUE THAT WAS GROWING ON HIS THIGH.

"GODDAMN IT. GET THE CAR." WAS WATSONS REPLY.

 

PABAGIA


	11. ADLER AND SHERLOCK CHAPTER 9 (Comes after 10)

HOLMES HAD STOLE HIS FUCKING PILLS AGAIN. THAT WAS IT. WATSON DIDN'T CARE HOW BIG HIS DICK WAS, HE WAS GOING TO CUT IT OFF AND DRAG IT TO TO LESTRADE TO PRESENT AS A GIFT.

WATSON KICKED THE DOOR DOWN "IT'S WATSON MOTHERFUCKERS! TIME TO SHIT!"

SILENCE,SAVE A CREAKING BOARD. THE BOARD THE ROPE WAS ATTACHED TO. HOLMES DANGLED FROM THE ROPE, BODY LIMP. A PUNGENT SMELL CONFIRMED HE HAD SHAT HIMSELF.

NORMALLY WATSON WOULD BE A CRYING EMOTIONAL WRECK. BUT THIS WAS WHAT, TIME NUMBER FIVE HOLMES HAD DIED? MOTHERFUCKER WAS ALWAYS PULLING SOME SHIT. SO INSTEAD OF FALLING FOR HIS SOCIOPATHIC FRIENDS BULLSHIT AGAIN, HE CALLED UP IRENE. "HEY BITCH, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS MAYBE DEAD BUT PROBABLY JUST DRUGGED/FAKING IT CAUSE HE STOLE MY STASH AND KNOWS WHAT IT IS AT HIM. WANNA FUCK WITH HIM?"

IRENE WAS THERE BEFORE "WANNA"

"TIME TO PUSH SHERLOCK'S SHIT IN" SHE SCREAMED, AND HER LESBIAN POWERS ACTIVATED, SHE GENERATED A HUGE PENIS ENVY POWERED STRAP-ON.

"HEY WATSON, FUCK MY ASS WHILE I DO THIS." SHE SAID

"FUCK YEAH" WATSON EJACULATED. "IT'S NOT GAY IF IT'S A BITCH." BUT SHE HAD A MONOCLE ON.

"CALL ME FRED" SHE SAID, AND PUT ON A MUSTACHE.

"OKAY THAT'S A LITTLE GAY BUT FUCK IT... IMA FUCK IT!" WATSON GOT BEHIND HER AS SHE BENT DOWN AND SIMULTANEOUS DOCKING TOOK PLACE SO AWESOMELY THE POWER RANGERS LOOKED LIKE LITTLE SISSY BITCHES WITH LEGOS. 

"EGADS! THERE IS A WOMAN ON TOP OF ME AND I AM NOT ONLY ON TOP, BUT I'M NOT EVEN DOING THE PENETRATING!" HOMLES THOUGHT TO HIMSELF. A LESSER MAN WOULD GIVE UP THE GHOST BY NOW AND GIVE THE DRUGS BACK.

"BUT. I. AM. NO. LESSER. MAN." SHERLOCK SAID TO HIMSELF

AND SO SHERLOCK STAYED STILL AND GOT BUGGERED LIKE A KID WHO WANDERED INTO THE SEMINARY SUMMER CAMP RETREAT AND HE DIDN'T CRAP FOR A WEEK, SUCH WAS HIS SHIT PUSHED IN.

Lopussa


	12. HOLMES AND IRENE CHAPTER 11: DONOVAN AND ANDERSON

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short n sweet!

DETECTIVE DONOVAN CAME IN THE BACK WAY THIS TIME. ANDERSON LET HER IN QUICKLY. THEY BOTH WORE CLOTHES THEY INTENDED TO BURN. THEY BOTH AGREED THAT THEY WOULD ONLY GO FOR IT ON PADDED SURFACES THIS TIME. NOW IT WAS TIME FOR LOVE.

A TEXT RANG ON BOTH THEIR PHONES "TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW? YOU RANDY BUGGERS YOU" THEY DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE NUMBER BUT THEY KNEW WHO IT WAS.

"HOW. HOW!" SCREAMED ANDERSON

"HE'S BLUFFING. HE CAN'T KNOW RIGHT NOW. HE CAN'T" SAID SALLY.

"HE FUCKING CALLED IT THE FIRST TIME, HE FUCKING CALLED IT YESTERDAY AND HE'S CALLING IT NOW! HE FUCKING KNOWS!"

"THIS MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE. HOW CAN HE FIGURE OUT WHAT WE ARE DOING RIGHT NOW?"

"BECAUSE I'M STALKING YOU YOU SILLY BITCH." MURMURED HOLMES UNDER HIS BREATH, TRYING TO GET HIS PANTS OFF WHILE STAYING STABLE ON THE TREE BRANCH WITH THE BEST VIEW OF THE WINDOWS.

"YOU KNOW DONNOVAN IS KINDA HOT" SAID IRENE, WHO WAS DOING HER BEST TO NOT FALL OFF THE THIN END OF THE BRANCH.

"NOBODY SAID YOU COULD TALK" SAID HOLMES, AND PUSHED HER OFF.

LA CONCLUSIONE


End file.
